Another Man

Ok, here's the deal; my wife is involved with another man. Even worse is the fact that they are trying to do away with me!


She's been spending ALOT of time on line with Dr. Oz. You know the guy; he claims to be a Dr. in real life and plays one on TV. Yeah, he's the one that put subversive ideas into women's heads about nutrition and fruits and nuts and speaking of fruits and nuts, this guy has convinced my wife that I need to be taking vitamins!


Tammy said, "Gary, I got you some vitamins today!" I said, "Ok", but I was thinking tiny little "One a Days" or even better "Chewy Flintstone", but no, and I should have known, she sounded funny when she told me. I opened my pill box to find capsules are large as a healthy cockroach and looking just about as easy to swallow. The "main vitamin" is slightly larger than that and has the consistency of concrete! Get this, there are a total of nine for each day - nine! I wanted to ask her, "When you look at me do you see skin and bones?" Do you have some kind of "spouse anorexia" or something? Do these love handles look fragile to you?


I thought, oh well at nine a day, at least they won't last long, but that's when she said, "I got such a good deal, I got a supply of 500." 500, she be shoving these things up my noe after I dead and cold.


I'm certain, Tammy's obsession with this Dr. Kildare wanna-be, that she's hoping I choke to death during my twice a day ingestion of these pills.


She is obsessed with this man, its "Dr. Oz...This and Dr. Oz. that and Dr. Oz says, and I really don't care what this Wizard says! I can't even talk to her that she's not watching him on her laptop or reading something new that he has written. I said, "Exercise and eating right doesn't help, Jack LaLane just died!" Tammy says, "But he was 96" But I'm sharp, she doesn't fool me, "Well, if he hadn't worked so hard, he might have made 100!"


Even worse, I came home from work the other night; she had dinner waiting for me. I sat down in my recliner and she brought me my plate like she always does, but it's full of salad! I couldn't help but ask, "Do I look like Bugs Bunny? Am I showing signs of carrot withdraw? C'mon!" Do you see how diabolical this is? Tammy just smiled and said, "Eat that and I'll bring you Pasta!" She lied; what she put on my next plate was about the size of a deck of playing cards and I think she called it "natural" lasagna. Let me tell you, there wasn't anything natural about it.


This is the same night she introduced me back to "whole" milk. I had forgotten what real milk tastes like; it was so think that I think it has EVERYTHING in it, including the cow. It even comes in a glass bottle that we are required to rinse out and return for a deposit. This is forward thinking?


Anyway, after my near - fatal tooth brushing episode and my new eating regimen, I am convinced that my wife and Dr. Oz have something going on. I really am happy that she wants me to be healthier, and she wants to eat right, but just in case I die of malnutrition or exertion, you all know the two to blame!